Have you ever sat at the kitchen table and looked at your plate full of food but thought ‘I’m just not hungry’? well I’ve been doing that every single day for the past few months, of course mine is a metaphorical plate full of plans for life and my lack of hunger represents my inability to commit to something… I think.
I keep making all these plans for life, so far I’m moving to Texas to become a kinder garden teacher, learning French to get a Canadian residency, looking for magazine jobs in Colombia and TV jobs in Bolivia and living in Italy for a year to learn the language. Those all sound like great plans to me, the only problem is they all seem to stay as plans, I can’t do it all but since I don’t know what I want to do then I don’t do any.
It’s hard to figure out what you want out of life but I think I may have figured out my problem, it’s not that I have too many choices or that I want to do them all… it’s that I’m not being selfish. Sounds like a weird conclusion but it’s the truth, it would be a lot easier to decide what I want in my life if I took everybody out of the equation and just thought about myself, but that’s a little difficult since I aim to please.
You see, my mother lives in South America (Colombia for the time being) and as much as I love being with her she also drives me insane (and viceversa) so naturally I want to be close to her (trust me it makes sense in my head). My boyfriend, the man I might spend the rest of my life with, lives in England and is unlikely to ever move anywhere else (for more than a year anyway) and since I’m kind of in love with the guy then I also try to be close to him. My siblings are all based in and around America (mainly Texas) and also make me wish I was close to them. As for the rest of friends and family, you are all scattered around the world, living your lives.
So… my loved ones are my problem because in an attempt to be close to them I am distancing myself from my path (whichever that may be), I can’t please them all, I can’t be in Colombia, the USA and in England at the same time, and I can’t make my life choices based on them because what happens when they are not around? I feel lost. But I am ready to find myself and be a little selfish because at the end of the day I am the only one that knows what I want out of life, I think I know it anyway, I just need to figure it out.
I guess I can’t have my cake and eat it too, and since I am the kind of girl that never leaves a cake behind (metaphorically and literally speaking), I’m just gonna have to take a big bite of that yummy cake of life and see what happens. Cross your fingers and toes for me.
Until next time… Smooches to all! xXx
I absolutely LOVE this. It makes so much sense. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I have all these choices and options but I am too scared to just close my eyes and leap into the unknown. What if I can't afford nice stuff? What if it takes me away from people I love? What if I fail? There's all these questions and I am never just brave enough to say "Yeah, let's go!"
ReplyDeleteYou are very inspirational and you have already done heaps of amazing and brave things in your life. The next step will be just as wonderful as all the others I have no doubt. And who knows, maybe I'll come along for the ride at some point?
Let's go have some cake xx
"Trippers and askers surround me;
ReplyDeletePeople I meet—the effect upon me of my early life… of the ward and city I live in… or the nation,
The latest news… discoveries, inventions, societies… authors old and new,
My dinner, dress, associates, looks, business, compliments, dues,
The real or fancied indifference of some man or woman I love,
The sickness of one of my folks - or of myself… or ill-doing… or loss or lack of money… or depressions or exaltations,
These come to me days and nights, and go from me again,
But they are not the Me myself.
Apart from the pulling and hauling stands what I am,
Stands amused, complacent, compassionating, idle, unitary,
Looks down, is erect, or bends an arm on an impalpable certain rest,
Looking with side-curved head, curious what will come next,
Both in and out of the game, and watching and wondering at it.
I believe in you, my soul… the other I am must not abase itself to you,
And you must not be abased to the other.
Loafe with me on the grass—loose the stop from your throat,
Not words, not music or rhyme I want… not custom or lecture, not even the best,
Only the lull I like, the hum of your valved voice.
I mind how we lay in June, such a transparent summer morning;
You settled your head athwart my hips, and gently turned over upon me,
And parted the shirt from my bosom-bone, and plunged your tongue to my barestript heart,
And reached till you felt my beard, and reached till you held my feet.
Swiftly arose and spread around me the peace and knowledge that pass all the argument of the earth;
And I know that the hand of God is the elderhand of my own,
And I know that the spirit of God is the eldest of my own;
And that all the men ever born are also my brothers… and the women my sisters and lovers.
And that a kelson of the creation is love."
Song of Myself" bt Walt Whitman
I read this about a year ago, and while reading your post… well, it reminded me of it. It’s a beautiful (long) poem that goes with your thoughts, you might have to read it a few times to see why, or maybe not, who knows. I found it eye opening.
xo, M.
Hahahaha Nena you're too much. Sorry I hadn't commented on any of them before, I didn't even realize you were writing again. I think you have an interesting theory but you need to stop thinking about everyone else for once and do what you want... That's what I did, even though I would love to be in Venezuela with my friends, in Colombia with Mom, Neily, you and all the luxury we get there, and in Houston with Kiko and Carlos... those places are not for me, I love you all but I made my decisions based on me and I think you should do the same. I love you and miss you! And remember people can always visit!
ReplyDeleteWhat great advice from your little sister! I admire you girl xx
ReplyDelete