Have you ever sat at the kitchen table and looked at your plate full of food but thought ‘I’m just not hungry’? well I’ve been doing that every single day for the past few months, of course mine is a metaphorical plate full of plans for life and my lack of hunger represents my inability to commit to something… I think.
I keep making all these plans for life, so far I’m moving to Texas to become a kinder garden teacher, learning French to get a Canadian residency, looking for magazine jobs in Colombia and TV jobs in Bolivia and living in Italy for a year to learn the language. Those all sound like great plans to me, the only problem is they all seem to stay as plans, I can’t do it all but since I don’t know what I want to do then I don’t do any.
It’s hard to figure out what you want out of life but I think I may have figured out my problem, it’s not that I have too many choices or that I want to do them all… it’s that I’m not being selfish. Sounds like a weird conclusion but it’s the truth, it would be a lot easier to decide what I want in my life if I took everybody out of the equation and just thought about myself, but that’s a little difficult since I aim to please.
You see, my mother lives in South America (Colombia for the time being) and as much as I love being with her she also drives me insane (and viceversa) so naturally I want to be close to her (trust me it makes sense in my head). My boyfriend, the man I might spend the rest of my life with, lives in England and is unlikely to ever move anywhere else (for more than a year anyway) and since I’m kind of in love with the guy then I also try to be close to him. My siblings are all based in and around America (mainly Texas) and also make me wish I was close to them. As for the rest of friends and family, you are all scattered around the world, living your lives.
So… my loved ones are my problem because in an attempt to be close to them I am distancing myself from my path (whichever that may be), I can’t please them all, I can’t be in Colombia, the USA and in England at the same time, and I can’t make my life choices based on them because what happens when they are not around? I feel lost. But I am ready to find myself and be a little selfish because at the end of the day I am the only one that knows what I want out of life, I think I know it anyway, I just need to figure it out.
I guess I can’t have my cake and eat it too, and since I am the kind of girl that never leaves a cake behind (metaphorically and literally speaking), I’m just gonna have to take a big bite of that yummy cake of life and see what happens. Cross your fingers and toes for me.
Until next time… Smooches to all! xXx
